I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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