A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
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Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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