i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
