I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
