I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
