I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
