I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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