just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
