Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
