If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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