You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
