Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Randomize
