Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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