I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
