I accidentally had phone sex last night
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
