She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
