i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
