the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
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I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
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you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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