Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
