just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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