You just made me feel so damn special
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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