I'm gonna have a badass scar
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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