Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
