I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
don't judge my taste in strippers
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
