She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
