Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
