hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
