the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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