Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
