I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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