I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
