Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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