Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
