I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
