We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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