I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
