Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
