the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
