it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
this boner is exhausting
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
