First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
