I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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