I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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