I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
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I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
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Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies