Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
