People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
