so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My ATM looks so different sober.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
