remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
