You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
