Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
