he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm always down for nudity.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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