i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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