he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
