Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
