Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS