you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
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just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
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I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS