do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
