Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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