My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
